Monday, December 13, 2010

Not At Peace with Separation

My son would like to be on the E*Trade commercials.

Or at least own a Blackberry.

I know my posting has really slowed down the past two months, and I am sorry for it, but things are seeming nonstop here in our little household. For one, I took on a 25 hour (4 almost full days) per week schedule to attack student loans, and second, we have a very curious toddler. I miss writing almost daily so much, but running around has really gotten in the way of it. I am going to try and pick up steam over the holidays, but we'll see! I do have a fun giveaway coming up-- a newly published book on homemade baby food. Yum!

In any case, things have really been full speed ahead. We're now 17 weeks along with our gumdrop (this is the nickname I have been calling the baby, though I don't think anyone else knows it), and I have been battling separation anxiety.

No, not my child's separation anxiety. Mine.

I feel so guilty for leaving him at childcare. And I know this is a working Mom's plight-- something that sort of will bother me in waves. But for some reason, the past few weeks have been brutal, and I am hormonal from the pregnancy anyway. I find myself crying on my way to work quite often, whether I am leaving him with my Mom on Mondays or at "school" on other days of the week.

Maybe it is that he is now so much more a little person than ever before, with clear preferences, pet peeves, varied physical abilities, and a clearly curious nature. And a strong-willed sense of self. (as in, he has a hard time listening to me say, "No.")

Either way, it has just been hard. I want so much to be with my baby, to be the one teaching him, feeding him, loving him. But at the same time I know that being a good Mommy to him right now is working. The bills can't pay themselves.

So that's where I am tonight... not really thinking about life as a green Momma, but just life as a Mom in general, wishing so badly I could spend more days like tomorrow (I don't work tomorrow!) with my son.


  1. I know it must be hard going through all those emotions. In a perfect world, we could all stay home and take care of our babies... Wouldn't that be nice.
    Try to to remember you are working so your son can have a good life & a roof over his head. You are working so you can completely appreciate the time you do have together... and it makes that time that much more enjoyable...
    Hope that helps... I know it's hard to reason with hormones... but try to hang in there :)

  2. It is really hard dealing with financial burdens such as loans. Believe me, I totally understand (think $2,000 a month in student loan payments). It is not easy feeling that kind of pressure.

    You are doing exactly what you should be doing for your family. Like I said on FB, I feel like a lazy person reading about all the stuff you (and other moms) are doing on a day to day basis. I can barely get ready in the morning and get dinner cooked.

    The toddler stage is a challenge for sure. You will pull through it. You have a fabulous support system and a lovely family close by. I wish I had someone within 10 hours.

    You will soon be halfway through your second pregnancy. Try to keep that accomplishment in your mind :) You are a fabulous mommy. Truly and utterly FABULOUS!