Are you for Four? (the I-am-stressed-about-going-to-work-post)

I think I am for four months, that is. Gabriel is a wonderful, reaching, pull to standing, smiling, squealing, teething, bundle of joy right now.

So much a bundle of joy that I cannot handle that I am starting a new job next week.

I LOVE being home with him. I am so attached to him. But I have to start working because I have to pay off student loans-- a lovely paycheck situation really (50% childcare, 50% loans).

I am happy with the woman we found to care for him, a mom of four with a 9-month-old at home. It's actually ideal in that he will be having social time while I am earning money. He will be staying in her home, which is seven minutes away from where I am working (so on the first few days, when I have to work long shifts, I can come on my lunch break to nurse him). And during a typical week, I will only be working 2-3 days 10-12 hours per week.

So here's the real catch, for me anyway:
The first week. I have to work three full days in a row. Out of nowhere, I am plopping my baby with someone other than me. I am heading into pumping-working-Mommy town with a big nosedive. It scares the hell out of me. How do full-time working Mommies do this without losing it? Are most Moms just more brave than me? I am taking the full-time plunge for a mere three days, but those three days are the bane of my existence right now-- I am scared, I am anxious, I am angry, I am sad, and I am crying every time I really think about walking out of my caregiver's front door and driving away. Am I nuts feeling like this? I wonder.

But I am doing this. I am doing this as bravely I can. Because I need to pay off my college loans. Because it will be good to get out of the house and do something other than snuggling, breastfeeding, not getting to cleaning, cooking, and reprimanding my cat for scratching our old dining chairs. Because it is a cool job-- coordinating volunteers for a nonprofit hospice. And because when all is said and done, this schedule is going to be great with being as close to a stay-at-home Mommy we can afford.

(And for the record, I think life at home and life at work is going to be equally as hard. No matter where I am, working or not, I cannot foresee any time to lay on my couch with a magazine and hot chocolate having every last detail of life in order anywhere in the near future.)

So, working Mommies out there, tell me, how did you handle your first week? Is it as bad as I fear it is? Will I survive? Will Gabriel forgive me? Will my home erupt in hellish craziness or will it all work out?

--
In other news, Gabe is 17 lb. 1 oz. and 26 in... in the mid 80 percentiles for both weight and height. He's a weed! Where did my little, newborn baby go?